Leaders Hurt Us
Observations on hurting and being hurt...
I remember reading, many years ago, that few who are called to leadership successfully navigate the obstacles on the way so as to realize the calling in full. I believe this is true. Much of the time these obstacles are put down by our leaders themselves–the very ones who are trying to help us reach our potential. Often, this happens through the leader's weakness, our personal weakness, or a collision of the two. Here are some things I'm learning about this, some of them the hard way, that I believe will help you avoid the stumbling blocks.
Insecurity
ALL of us, as humans, have moments of insecurity. Some have strongholds of insecurity. Much of what we see involving insecurity in leadership falls somewhere in between those two extremes. This can be surprising. Don’t let it be, but let your awareness of your own weakness be a source of grace for others. Don’t expect perfection from yourself or others, and commit to forgiveness. Sometimes, if we are truthful, we'd likely admit that our expressions (sometimes outbursts) of insecurity come out unexpectedly, in surprising ways, and completely unforeseen, even to ourselves! Remember the story of Noah and his sons? How we respond to demonstrated weakness will have a material impact directly on us, sometimes immediately, and sometimes downrange, but it will have an impact. Being gracious rarely requires repentance or an apology (see Genesis 9:20-27).
Communication and Misunderstanding
Communication (and working together) is not without its pitfalls. Saying what you mean and being transparent, even when it makes you uncomfortable, can help you not to create false expectations with others. If in our communication we leave people believing something that isn’t correct or true, even if we didn’t technically “lie,” it's still misleading someone, and we will have to give an account for that, often with a backlash of loss of trust. Often, we have at least three variables–what was said, what was heard, and what was meant. Diligence is important and, remember, relationships aren't for lazy people. Keep in mind communication has not happened until both/all parties are on the same page. It takes God’s grace and favor to co-labor in a productive, effective, and peace-filled way; when the grace thins out, problems will arise. Be careful: Make sure you understand what someone is saying and aren’t just hearing what you want to hear. AND make sure you are understood and that others aren’t just hearing what they want to hear and/or something far from what you are trying to communicate.
Expectations (Unrealistic and/or Mismatched)
Here is a test. Relax and clear your mind. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself, with deep thought, this question:
Would I be comfortable with someone putting the expectations on me that I am putting on those I look to for leadership? Think before internal response, please.
Unrealistic expectations stunt relationships every day, often in messy ways.
Can you humble yourself?
Can you remain flexible?
Can you admit that you were wrong or immature?
How are you with change?
Keep in mind, you cannot decide on your own what to expect from your leaders. It has to be ratified, as relationships are mutual and voluntary.
The way to overcome mismatched expectations is transparent communication over time. This is because transparent communication requires trust, which is built over time. We may not know or realize why God has brought us together right away, and it will take some investigating and patience to understand this. One good first step is to ask the Lord to make it clear to all and to help us cooperate and invest ourselves toward that end.